We don’t have the historical frame of reference at the tip of our fingers here and, even so, there’s likely not a ton of historical data to back it up, but let’s just say — for argument’s sake — that the Stanley Cup final of 2008 was the most lopsided series — that appeared close — of all time.

In this modern era of short-term memory, it’s easy to forget — amidst the tension and drama of Game 5 — that Games 1 and 2 really only had one team on the ice. After 4-0 and 3-0 losses on the road, the Pittsburgh Penguins left some people (me) jokingly suggesting that the Detroit Red Wings would become the first team to win a Cup without having a goal scored against them.

Yet the Pens managed, somehow, to push that thing to six games, even though the circumstances of Game 5 gave them no chance at all. They were dominated in that game as they had been throughout the series, but they managed to sneak one in here and there.

And that’s what the final felt like: A straw-weight jabber just trying to get a shot at the heavyweight’s nose when it’s exposed.

The Penguins mustered a Lilliputian-like four shots in the third period of Game 5 in Detroit, a game that held their fate in its balance. Not exactly inspired, all things considered. Yet one of those shots, produced a goal that was a part of creating one of the great Cup final games ever, even if Pittsburgh was only there for half of it.

And Game 6 held the same. Detroit needn’t worry about where the Cup was going, because the Red Wings showed that it was only a matter of time before it was residing in the Motor City.

The Penguins were out-matched, out-played, and out-shot in all six games and their lone credit is that they somehow — against all those odds — managed to take the thing that far.

In the end, it was painfully true they weren’t on the same level as the team that claimed the Cup.

Like that plucky straw-weight, they looked happy to be there until they took the roundhouse that ended it all.

An interview with New York Rangers assistant coach Mike Pelino; plus, thoughts on the NBA playoffs, Dwyane Wade and Star Jones, Bill O’Reilly, Beverly Hills 90210, and Rita MacNeil.

 

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An interview with newly appointed Brandon University men’s basketball coach Keith Vassell; an apology for last week’s podcast; thoughts on the Masters, the NHL playoffs, and the opening week of the MLB season; plus, an episode of Blindside featuring another question for the ages: Who’d make a better CIS coach, Swatter or Larkins?

 

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An interview with Eric Fehr of the Washington Capitals; thoughts on the NHL playoff picture; Swatter and Larkins break an exclusive CIS coaching announcement; and the greatest episode of Blindside, ever.

 

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The Brandon Bobcats are back in the Wheat City today without a clue if they should even bother practising this week.

The Bobcats win over the Calgary Dinos in the Canada West bronze medal game on Saturday was a big step towards getting back to nationals, but it might not have been big enough, and now the Bobcats will wait in limbo to see if they’ll get that coveted at-large bid into Ottawa next week.

So let’s break down the bid for the wild card:

• On various blogs, message boards and the like, there has been a lot of debate over what teams will be thrown in the mix as if to offer up discussion. But let’s quash that discussion right now: The only teams that have a shot at the wild card are Brandon and Acadia. So drop Toronto, Windsor and the fourth Ontario team out of the equation. Take the second-place Quebec team and tell them thanks but no thanks and you silver-medallists in the AUS — whoever you may be if you’re not the Axemen — sorry but you’re done too.

In reality, the debate between AU and BU isn’t as close as you might think it. While Brandon’s RPI (power index) is higher than Acadia’s, the Axemen have a better win percentage and the Bobcats have a middling 6-7 mark against teams with a record of .500 or better, whereas Acadia is 7-4 against the same quality of opponents. Also, as per the CIS’ at-large selection policy, the Bobcats semifinal exit to a team that didn’t end up winning the conference won’t be looked highly upon either. Add in that Acadia is currently ranked higher than Brandon and also holds a win in the one meeting the two teams had this season (in December at the Wesmen Classic) and you have to figure the Axemen are a lock should they not win the AUS title next weekend.

You can read the CIS procedures for selecting the at-large berth by downloading the .pdf file here.

• I was disappointed in the crowds in Calgary only because I had been told earlier in the week that the school had already sold out tickets to the event only to watch and see a lot of empty seats. Now, I’m not bashing Calgary here at all. Heaven knows a sellout in Canada is the equivalent of successfully having all the children of the world join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace (a la Steve Martin’s Holiday Wish). It just felt, through watching the webcasts, as if the building wasn’t as full as perhaps it was expected to me. Correct me if I’m wrong.

• I thought it was a well done effort by the U of C’s NUTV crew to put on the four games successfully with multiple cameras, and a feel that it was a full-fledged broadcast crew bringing the game. One gripe? The announcing was, in a word, painful. It’s a simple process to go and ask a coach before the game to make sure you have pronunciations of players and it’s also ill-advised to constantly make jokes on air that you and your buddies think are funny but no one else does. Trust me, I’m the least funny person I know. It’s not going to put you in high favour when you’re someone who goes out and slams a group of volunteers, but let’s put it this way: By having that aspect of the broadcast come off as unprofessional and (truly) like a joke, it slighted the entire production, which was actually quite good. A number of viewers took shots at NUTV as a whole even though it was just one aspect and, in the end, that’s unfortunate because NUTV’s effort was worthy of an applause save for that.

• I’m still trying to figure out how Calgary threw away their chance to go to nationals. I mean, look at the numbers, especially from Saturday’s loss to Brandon. Seriously LOOK at these. … Henry Bekkering still goes for 23 and 8 despite playing through foul trouble all game long. … Brandon fouls out its starting post, his back-up, and HIS back-up too, PLUS the guy (Eric Holm) who comes in off the bench when the Bobcats need to go small-ball. … The Dinos shot 48 free throws to 31 for Brandon.

If you’re a member of the Dinos and you were presented these facts before the game and were told that this was going to happen, is there any way in the world you would think you were going to lose that game?

Of course, in that scenario we’ve cleverly left out the fact that you’re going to get out-rebounded 55-39, shoot 28.8 per cent from the field in your own gym and have one of your best players (Ross Bekkering) not make a FG and go 0-for-6.

And those last two facts are the most alarming: How Calgary managed, on its own floor, to shoot just 30 per cent for the weekend (they were 22-for-68 in Friday’s loss to UBC) is absolutely mind-blowing to me. Come to think of it, the first fact is alarming to me too: They were drastically out-rebounded in both losses. A team that has great size and athleticism among its bigs and the Dinos were out-boarded 102-71 for the weekend.

Those are the facts in the cold light of day for Calgary. No one said post-mortems were glamorous.

• • • • •

Switching our focus elsewhere, and let’s check out the OUA where the Western Mustangs are trying to remind us all that there still exists a men’s basketball team in London, Ont. Who knew?

Well, don’t look now but the Mustangs — they of the 12-10 record and fourth place in the OUA West — are relevant again after winning the West and earning one of two auto berths out of Ontario. They might be the Monmouth or Western Kentucky of the nationals, the team with the muddy record that … gets bounced in the first round.

But we’ve seen it before: No first-round game is a lock and the Mustangs are playing well at the right time of year. That said, I’m not anxious to jump on the bandwagon of a team that has losses to Ryerson and Laurentian in the same calendar year.

• • • • •

In Quebec, Concordia beat out UQAM in the semifinal and Laval’s through after a win over McGill. The Rouge et Or win the final by 15.

• • • • •

In the AUS, the Axemen go in as the favourite but they could pull a semifinal game against Saint Mary’s, a match-up the Axemen can’t be gleeful to see. The Huskies have defeated Acadia twice this year and are always tough in the Metro Centre, and maybe more so this year considering this will be the only tournament the faithful in Halifax will have to to cheer. Meanwhile, Cape Breton has the unenviable task of going three games in three days to try to earn the AUS bid, something Acadia did last year on the way to the title.

And there’s St. FX just kind of hanging out. The X-Men, who had won six of the previous seven AUS titles before Acadia won last season, are perhaps happily playing the role of underdog this season. They earn a first-round bye and should face Cape Breton in the semis, assuming the Capers do what they’re supposed to do and beat Dalhousie in the first round.

A preview of the 41st annual Wesmen Classic; David J. Larkins on location in Winnipeg; plus, the nation’s fastest growing media sensation - “Blindside” - featuring thoughts on the World Junior Hockey Championship, the Soulja Boy craze, the reckless driving habits of Mischa and Topanga… and a question for the ages: Yul Michel or Erfan Nasajpour?

 

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–

FRANK: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized there had to be another way!

KRAMER: What happened to the doll?

FRANK: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us!

–

As Frank Costanza would later reveal, the celebration of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. Traditionally, this takes place at the family dinner; you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year. We here at The Scrum don’t have a family dinner, but that didn’t stop me from creating a list of the top 15 sports people/organizations I had a problem with in 2007:

(Please note that most of these entries are drenched in copious amounts of sarcasm.)

#15-Kobe Bryant: You, sir, are pathetic. You want to be traded, you don’t want to be traded. You hate your teammates, you love your teammates. Sure, everything is nice and rosy now, but we all know it’s coming. It might happen after a 5-game losing streak in mid-January. It might happen a first round play-off exit, when one of the upper echelon Western Conference teams wipes the floor with your sorry face. We don’t know the time or the place, but we do know that your next hissy fit is a foregone conclusion. You, Kobe Bryant, are the worst teammate in the history of the NBA. You make me sick.

#14-Tim Donaghy: You’re on the list not because of your cheating scandal, per se, but because your cheating scandal gave my brother - who hates the NBA - joke-making material for years to come. Granted, your indiscretion did lead to a fantastic reference on my favorite (current) TV show, but that doesn’t make up for what you did. (1:20 into clip)

#13-Chris Myers: Most of my friends would rather watch the WNBA than listen to your in-game reports, but I never had a real problem with you. Until this happened.

#12-NFL coaches who call last-second time-outs to ice field goal kickers: I’m looking at you, Mike Shanahan. You too, Dick Jauron. The ‘last-second time-out that negates a dramatic game-winning field goal’ is the single worst thing to happen to the NFL since FOX started superimposing that giant ‘down & yardage’ graphic on the field prior to every snap. I hate that graphic.

#11-Tim Hardaway: Apparently, there is something wrong with that. At least according to you. It’s one thing to have a quiet, passive disdain for homosexuals (ie. Tony Dungy). But did you really say, “I hate gay people.” That was the wording you chose? To quote Brian Fantana, “Why don’t you stop talking for a while?”

#10-The people who think “SpyGate” is a big deal: Look, I’ve made it perfectly clear that I hate New England. Nothing on God’s white earth could make me happier than for eternal shame to fall upon the Patriots. But was this really that big of a deal? So they videotaped the other team’s defensive signals? So what? Had the cameraman been sitting in the stands or in the press-box or anywhere else, it would’ve been perfectly legal. So where’s the competitive advantage? Former coaches Bill Cowher and Jimmy Johnson both said they used to do this kind of stuff all the time - either with video or by simply writing the signals down. So who cares?

#9-The people who think the Patriots “running up the score” is a big deal: Again, allow me to reiterate - I hate the Patriots. But there is no such thing as “running up the score” in professional sports. It doesn’t exist. It’s impossible for a team to exhibit a “lack of class” by out-scoring an opponent by 50 points. If you’re being paid millions of dollars to play a game, you have no right to complain about what the other team is doing to you. If you don’t want the Patriots to score 60 points, stop them. If you can’t stop them, shut up.

#8-Barbaro fans: Far be it from to criticize the interests of others. I can quote most Seinfeld episodes from memory and I once played NBA Live for 15 straight hours. I’m not what you call a “sophisticated man”. But for crying out loud, he’s a horse!

#7-Chad Pennington: You have a noodle arm. It’s been said a million times, but I’m saying it again. Sure, you’re a “smart” quarterback. You manage the game well. Whatever. I don’t care. You cost us so many wins this year, I honestly lost track. Remember in week one, when you got hurt against the Patriots and everyone at the Meadowlands cheered and the TV announcers were appalled at how heartless Jets fans can be? Count me among that group. When you went down, I was in my living room, standing on my feet, praying to God that you were finished for the season. I hate what you do to me, Chad. I hate the person you make me. You’re probably a real swell guy, and I’m guessing if you lived in Brandon, we could be friends. But I don’t want you anywhere near my football team ever again.

#6-Brandon Bobcats head coach Mike Raimbault: Yeah, Mike, you’re on the list. I’ve got a real problem with you. Me and Larks have been begging for a sideline outburst all season long, and you’ve given us nothing. Nothing! You’re always so calm and cool and collected, strutting around like a man who’s got his crap together. Well, I call poppycock. And how about giving us a quote sometime? Tell us how you really feel! None of this “we played good, we got out in transition, we were able to execute” garbage. Tell it like it is! Just once I want to hear you say, “I’m surprised we only won by 30 points. I’m the best coach ever.”

#5-Steely McBeam:

The new Pittsburgh Steelers mascot was plucked directly from this scene. Tim Hardaway hates him. But give the organization credit: when you create a mascot, you have to choose a figure that your fan base can identify with. Pittsburgh fans work hard, and they play hard.

#4-The CIS: I already ranted ad nauseum about your absurd decision to grant Carleton* three straight Final 8 berths.

#3-The people who run “Sportscentre” on TSN: In Canada, a person only has three choices when it comes to sports highlights on TV – the Score, Sportsnet, and TSN. Because my cable provider doesn’t carry the score in HD, I rarely go there for anything. Because Sportsnet sucks, I never go there for anything. That leaves TSN. Canada’s so-called “sports leader”. To be fair, I like some of your personalities. You show a lot of NFL games. You’ve got PTI. But Sportscentre… Sportscentre, I can’t handle. Thanks to your obsessive love for the Toronto Maple Leaves and the obnoxious parade of personalities you trot out night after night (Jay Onrait being the exception… I like him), I’ve officially sworn off your sad, little show. I now get my highlights online. Do I need 50 minutes of hockey coverage every night? No, I do not.

#2-The play-by-play guy working the USC/Stanford game: Absoutely and utterly inexecusable. You got to witness one of the greatest upset in college football history, and you botched the call worse than any call in the history of sports broadcasting. I don’t what your name is, and I don’t want to know. You should have been fired on the spot.

#1-Saskatchewan Roughrider fans: Yeah, you won the Grey Cup. So what? You beat a Winnipeg Blue Bombers team that was missing its starting quarterback. How impressive. Your first string players are 4-points better than Winnipeg’s second string players. Congratulations. Yet you people treated the Grey Cup victory like it was the greatest moment of your lives. Granted, you’re from Saskatchewan, so it probably was the greatest moment of your lives, but still. Show some class, some dignity, some pride. I’m not necessarily wishing this particular fate upon your sorry souls… actually, yes, that’s exactly what I’m wishing for. Now go back to playing your banjo’s and dating your cousins and harvesting your wheat.

Happy Festivus, everyone!

An informative/hilarious interview with Winnipeg Wesmen head coach Dave Crook; thoughts on the CIS volleyball landscape; a special edition of Blindside, featuring thoughts on Jamie Lynn Spears, the 12 days of Christmas, the worst play-by-play announcers of all-time, and the Chris Simon suspension; plus… is mommy really having an affair with Santa?

 

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– To be fair, Larkins used to do this kind of stuff all the time…

– We can’t be the only two people on the planet excited for this movie, can we?

– Say what you will about Frank Caliendo, but his impression of Charles Barkley is astounding.

– Canadian basketball players are funny, toothless.

– This is far more damaging than anything contained in the Mitchell Report.

– Speaking of steroids, who knew that one of our favorite 90210 stars was on the juice?!

– An exclusive sneak peak at the gameplan my beloved New York Jets will be implementing this Sunday.

– This is probably a good note to end on.