Continuing our “coverage” of the NBA post-season, a couple of thoughts on the Toronto-Orlando series that is officially into panic mode for the Raptors.

Sure you’re only down 2-0, a less-than-enviable position, but not one that necessarily requires hysteria in areas around the Gardiner Expressway. At the same time, the Raptors have only shown a sign of life at brief moments during the series and I’m losing faith in Sam Mitchell as a coach. I know, it’s shocking.

First off, Toronto had a chance to roll over and play dead after another atrocious first quarter but they’re full marks for responding in the second, closing to within two at the half and then not letting Orlando pull away in the third when the lead hovered around seven to nine points. They battled back, knocked down some big shots and eventually gave themselves a chance to win.

So close your eyes Raptors fans, what I’m about to say won’t go over well.

Chris Bosh ain’t clutch.

Now, this is not a derogatory comment on his importance to that team. It’s quite clear that he’s the most valuable player on that team and his 29-10-6 line was a solid playoff stat. But Bosh was given the reins on the Raptors final two trips and came up empty both times, the first go-round a wing-to-lane drive against Dwight Howard that ended with Bosh absorbing a bit of contact and then losing control of the ball in mid-air. The final trip, after a time out, with nine seconds left, ended with Bosh settling for a 19-foot jump shot over Howard that ended the game when it biffed and fell into Orlando’s possession.

Jose Calderon had scored eight of the Raptors’ final 15 points and Carlos Delfino had six of the final 15, yet it was Bosh who the Raptors drew things up for in that final time out. So they ran the screen and roll, which created nothing, and then Bosh settled for a shot on the most important possession of the team’s season.

The results were predictable.

Bosh didn’t look like a player who wanted the ball in his hands in those final two minutes or so, but he’s not the one to blame for that final possession. All he did was miss a shot he probably shouldn’t have been lined up to take anyway.

How on earth the Raptors go into a time out — you know, the place where you plan your plays? — and come out with a play I wouldn’t even recommend you run during a video game is beyond me. Yet Mitchell did it.

Maybe it was a breakdown somewhere, but how the Raptors bungled that possession is unacceptable. Nine seconds is a world of time and they not only wasted that but also a great opportunity for a road split.

A few rambling thoughts while taking stock of the first weekend of NBA playoffs.

• The NBA “Where (fill in blank) happens” series of ads has served more as comedy fodder for fans than it has resonated as a clever campaign. That said, clearly, the best commercial in the series has been Mikki Moore’s spot.

(Hey… while we’re honouring Nebraska alumni not in the NBA playoffs, a special shout out to Tyronn Lue, Erick Strickland and Eric Piatkowski, the latter of whom is officially in the playoffs with the Phoenix Suns but playing about as significant a role in helping his team winning a title as Swatter right about now. Also, a special The Scrum shout to Fox West Los Angeles Lakers colour man Stu Lantz, a former Husker.)

• A trend I’m a bit tired of in the NBA playoffs is the “Host City Handing Out Same-Coloured T-Shirts In Attempt To Create Atmosphere.” Golden State last year, Cleveland, Houston and — most embarrassingly — New Orleans, this year. The Hornets couldn’t even fill their seats (umm, playoffs?) and then the aquamarine blue t-shirts were speckled throughout the crowd. Listen, if you can’t just create the hype by telling your fans to all wear red, or white or whatever, then cram the idea. It’s not impressive if everyone wears a shirt you handed out to them when they entered the building.

• We have our first shocker of the first games with Philadelphia beating No. 2 Detroit in the east. The Pistons led by as many as 15 but the Sixers chipped away, took the lead and then got buck-naked lucky as Detroit blew two glorious chances to take the lead in the final minute. Tayshaun Prince missed a 14-foot jumper (should’ve pump-faked and taken a step to create space) and 6-foot-11 Rasheed Wallace missed a gimme lay-up after that. Additionally, Chauncey Billups, a 91.8 per cent FT shooter this season, missed three free ones in the fourth quarter.

Perhaps the reason why the Pistons are somewhat under the radar in discussions about who will come out of the East is because they have a tendency to go away. When they’re on, they’re as tough as anyone in the NBA. But they don’t always seem to be all that concerned with being on. That said, look at what had to happen for Philadelphia to win that game. From the blown lead, to the two missed chances to Chauncey missing free throws to the Detroit crowd performing like they were in the observation deck at a frontal lobotomy, it all feels like lightning in a bottle to me. Detroit wins the next four.

• The only less intriguing first-round match-up is Boston and Atlanta, a series that feels like it shouldn’t even happen. If Atlanta gets within double digits on the final scoresheet of any of these four game (no way this doesn’t end up a sweep), then the Hawks should consider that a moral victory and build to next year. And anything less than a series win might not be enough to keep Mike Woodson from losing his job as head coach. Gotta love professional sports.

• The series giving BOS-ATL a run for its — uhhhh, forget it, money seems like too strong a word for something so devoid of any value — is Utah and Houston. In a battle of Western No. 4 vs. No. 5, the Jazz made it clear that the series of the two most closely-seeded teams is by no means that close come gametime. Utah dominated Game 1 and Houston is back to looking like the team that would never have been a playoff squad if not for their ridiculous mid-season 22-game win streak that made them relevant for about the span of, oh, 22 games.

(Side note: Another one of those Mac vs PC commercials just came on TV. Let’s begin a pool in the comment section as to when those commercials will actually end. Also, not even the Mac vs PC battle is as one-sided as the Boston-Atlanta series. If Boston were Mac, Atlanta is a Commodore Vic20.)

• Which team in the NBA’s Western Conference is worse at defending? Phoenix or Denver? Well, the stats say Denver but Phoenix was exposed in its loss at San Antonio on Saturday, too.

Los Angeles’ Pau Gasol scored 36 points and added another 16 rebounds for the Lakers in a 128-114 win on Sunday. More alarming about that 128 is the fact that Kobe Bryant had but four points at halftime. More alarming about that 36 of Gasol’s is the fact they almost all came in the form of lay-ups and dunks. Gasol made two field goals outside of the key and attempted just five for the game. Everything else was in that coloured little box that teams are supposed to want to protect.

Meanwhile, the Suns watched the Spurs hit two game-extending three-pointers in regulation and overtime, and then sat idly by as the Spurs scored a lay-up with just a couple of seconds remaining in double overtime to win the game. Phoenix put its best backcourt defender — Leandro Barbosa — on Manu Ginobili and the quick Brazilian watched Ginobili dribble past him to his left and hit an easy lay-in to win the game. For the record, there were four other Suns on the floor at the time, but you might not have noticed that if you were watching the actual play because none of them were … y’know… involved in the play. Just bystanders to a colossal meltdown that the Suns might just end up regretting.

• Finally, the Chuck Swirsky Suicide Watch is on. The play-by-play man for the Toronto Raptors who reacts to Raps losses like someone violated him in a bus station bathroom, was his usual homer self on Sunday as Toronto dropped Game 1 to Orlando. The No. 6 Raptors were a popular pick to pull off a first-round upset and sure they might still do it. (For the record, Larkins picked Orlando in five). But ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith — whose best moments in broadcasting have come when he’s ripping on the Dinos — called Toronto “soft as Cottonelle” and holds no faith whatsoever that Sam Mitchell’s crew can get to the second round.

Nor do I.

I don’t know that they’re necessarily soft, per se (although Andrea Bargnani becomes more useless by the day, Jamario Moon is a D-leaguer in disguise and Rasho Nesterovic has conned fans into believing he’s a useful tool, when in fact he’s just a tool), but this is not a line-up that breeds confidence. And what seems to not be discussed often enough is that this is a team — a .500 team — that went 25-16 at home, but an ugly 16-25 on the road this season. Stephen A. would call that soft.

Come to think of it, he’s probably right.

Swatter and Larkins are joined by former Brandon Bobcat stars Gilford Cheung and Aaron Mitchell to talk about the NBA playoffs and their favorite memories from the Wheat City. It’s the funniest podcast you’ll hear this year, guaranteed. Plus, Swatter watches the Montreal Canadiens lose to the Boston Bruins (and slowly descends into depression).

 

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An interview with UBC Thunderbirds head coach Kevin Hanson; a recap of the greatest Super Bowl ever; reaction to the Pau Gasol/Shaquille O’Neal trades; and an episode of Blindside featuring thoughts on the best/worst looking male athlete of all-time, the worst TV commercial of all-time, and the best sitcom theme song of all-time. Plus, Swatter and Larks campaign for delegates in a political battle for the ages.

 

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An interview with Acadia Axemen head coach Les Berry; a recap of last week’s action across the CIS; NFL play-off picks, and the “greatest Blindside episode ever”, featuring thoughts on Facebook wedding photos, the stupidity of “Lost”, single men who have cats, and the musical stylings of the Weakerthans. Plus, David J. Larkins ranks the past five Brandon Bobcat coaches - Hemmings, Carrick, Berry, Craddock and Raimbault - and tells us who he’d prefer to play for.

 

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–

FRANK: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized there had to be another way!

KRAMER: What happened to the doll?

FRANK: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us!

–

As Frank Costanza would later reveal, the celebration of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. Traditionally, this takes place at the family dinner; you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year. We here at The Scrum don’t have a family dinner, but that didn’t stop me from creating a list of the top 15 sports people/organizations I had a problem with in 2007:

(Please note that most of these entries are drenched in copious amounts of sarcasm.)

#15-Kobe Bryant: You, sir, are pathetic. You want to be traded, you don’t want to be traded. You hate your teammates, you love your teammates. Sure, everything is nice and rosy now, but we all know it’s coming. It might happen after a 5-game losing streak in mid-January. It might happen a first round play-off exit, when one of the upper echelon Western Conference teams wipes the floor with your sorry face. We don’t know the time or the place, but we do know that your next hissy fit is a foregone conclusion. You, Kobe Bryant, are the worst teammate in the history of the NBA. You make me sick.

#14-Tim Donaghy: You’re on the list not because of your cheating scandal, per se, but because your cheating scandal gave my brother - who hates the NBA - joke-making material for years to come. Granted, your indiscretion did lead to a fantastic reference on my favorite (current) TV show, but that doesn’t make up for what you did. (1:20 into clip)

#13-Chris Myers: Most of my friends would rather watch the WNBA than listen to your in-game reports, but I never had a real problem with you. Until this happened.

#12-NFL coaches who call last-second time-outs to ice field goal kickers: I’m looking at you, Mike Shanahan. You too, Dick Jauron. The ‘last-second time-out that negates a dramatic game-winning field goal’ is the single worst thing to happen to the NFL since FOX started superimposing that giant ‘down & yardage’ graphic on the field prior to every snap. I hate that graphic.

#11-Tim Hardaway: Apparently, there is something wrong with that. At least according to you. It’s one thing to have a quiet, passive disdain for homosexuals (ie. Tony Dungy). But did you really say, “I hate gay people.” That was the wording you chose? To quote Brian Fantana, “Why don’t you stop talking for a while?”

#10-The people who think “SpyGate” is a big deal: Look, I’ve made it perfectly clear that I hate New England. Nothing on God’s white earth could make me happier than for eternal shame to fall upon the Patriots. But was this really that big of a deal? So they videotaped the other team’s defensive signals? So what? Had the cameraman been sitting in the stands or in the press-box or anywhere else, it would’ve been perfectly legal. So where’s the competitive advantage? Former coaches Bill Cowher and Jimmy Johnson both said they used to do this kind of stuff all the time - either with video or by simply writing the signals down. So who cares?

#9-The people who think the Patriots “running up the score” is a big deal: Again, allow me to reiterate - I hate the Patriots. But there is no such thing as “running up the score” in professional sports. It doesn’t exist. It’s impossible for a team to exhibit a “lack of class” by out-scoring an opponent by 50 points. If you’re being paid millions of dollars to play a game, you have no right to complain about what the other team is doing to you. If you don’t want the Patriots to score 60 points, stop them. If you can’t stop them, shut up.

#8-Barbaro fans: Far be it from to criticize the interests of others. I can quote most Seinfeld episodes from memory and I once played NBA Live for 15 straight hours. I’m not what you call a “sophisticated man”. But for crying out loud, he’s a horse!

#7-Chad Pennington: You have a noodle arm. It’s been said a million times, but I’m saying it again. Sure, you’re a “smart” quarterback. You manage the game well. Whatever. I don’t care. You cost us so many wins this year, I honestly lost track. Remember in week one, when you got hurt against the Patriots and everyone at the Meadowlands cheered and the TV announcers were appalled at how heartless Jets fans can be? Count me among that group. When you went down, I was in my living room, standing on my feet, praying to God that you were finished for the season. I hate what you do to me, Chad. I hate the person you make me. You’re probably a real swell guy, and I’m guessing if you lived in Brandon, we could be friends. But I don’t want you anywhere near my football team ever again.

#6-Brandon Bobcats head coach Mike Raimbault: Yeah, Mike, you’re on the list. I’ve got a real problem with you. Me and Larks have been begging for a sideline outburst all season long, and you’ve given us nothing. Nothing! You’re always so calm and cool and collected, strutting around like a man who’s got his crap together. Well, I call poppycock. And how about giving us a quote sometime? Tell us how you really feel! None of this “we played good, we got out in transition, we were able to execute” garbage. Tell it like it is! Just once I want to hear you say, “I’m surprised we only won by 30 points. I’m the best coach ever.”

#5-Steely McBeam:

The new Pittsburgh Steelers mascot was plucked directly from this scene. Tim Hardaway hates him. But give the organization credit: when you create a mascot, you have to choose a figure that your fan base can identify with. Pittsburgh fans work hard, and they play hard.

#4-The CIS: I already ranted ad nauseum about your absurd decision to grant Carleton* three straight Final 8 berths.

#3-The people who run “Sportscentre” on TSN: In Canada, a person only has three choices when it comes to sports highlights on TV – the Score, Sportsnet, and TSN. Because my cable provider doesn’t carry the score in HD, I rarely go there for anything. Because Sportsnet sucks, I never go there for anything. That leaves TSN. Canada’s so-called “sports leader”. To be fair, I like some of your personalities. You show a lot of NFL games. You’ve got PTI. But Sportscentre… Sportscentre, I can’t handle. Thanks to your obsessive love for the Toronto Maple Leaves and the obnoxious parade of personalities you trot out night after night (Jay Onrait being the exception… I like him), I’ve officially sworn off your sad, little show. I now get my highlights online. Do I need 50 minutes of hockey coverage every night? No, I do not.

#2-The play-by-play guy working the USC/Stanford game: Absoutely and utterly inexecusable. You got to witness one of the greatest upset in college football history, and you botched the call worse than any call in the history of sports broadcasting. I don’t what your name is, and I don’t want to know. You should have been fired on the spot.

#1-Saskatchewan Roughrider fans: Yeah, you won the Grey Cup. So what? You beat a Winnipeg Blue Bombers team that was missing its starting quarterback. How impressive. Your first string players are 4-points better than Winnipeg’s second string players. Congratulations. Yet you people treated the Grey Cup victory like it was the greatest moment of your lives. Granted, you’re from Saskatchewan, so it probably was the greatest moment of your lives, but still. Show some class, some dignity, some pride. I’m not necessarily wishing this particular fate upon your sorry souls… actually, yes, that’s exactly what I’m wishing for. Now go back to playing your banjo’s and dating your cousins and harvesting your wheat.

Happy Festivus, everyone!

– To be fair, Larkins used to do this kind of stuff all the time…

– We can’t be the only two people on the planet excited for this movie, can we?

– Say what you will about Frank Caliendo, but his impression of Charles Barkley is astounding.

– Canadian basketball players are funny, toothless.

– This is far more damaging than anything contained in the Mitchell Report.

– Speaking of steroids, who knew that one of our favorite 90210 stars was on the juice?!

– An exclusive sneak peak at the gameplan my beloved New York Jets will be implementing this Sunday.

– This is probably a good note to end on.